Last Monday, I had my blood taken to see if I would qualify for an In Vitro study. If I qualified, it would mean that Nate & I would be able to do IVF for a cost of $1,600 instead of $16,000. We could have this procedure done now instead of needing to save up for a year just to see if it would work. We knew it was a small chance I would qualify, but we didn't give up hope. I had a small glimmer of hope in my heart that things would work out & that we would have a miracle.

I had gotten my AMH level tested a few weeks before & it was too low to qualify for the study, but I was told if I had the test done when I was dehydrated & at a certain time of the month, there was a small chance it would increase the level. The timing wasn't working out & there were only a few days left before I would need to qualify, so I called the office on Monday & ended up rushing over there right after work to get my blood taken. It was then sent to a lab on the East Coast, so we had several days to think, worry, & hope about the results.

I tried to keep busy & not think about it too much, but I just continued to have a hope & feeling that things would work out. I had Friday off of work & that was the day we were supposed to get the call. I went to a Pilates class & then Roll & Release (stretching) class at the gym with my sister, Brittany, trying to relax & get my mind off what the results would be. Afterwards, I showered & got ready & then headed over to Britt's house.We were going to be meeting our sister, Brooke, for lunch.

While at Britt's house, I got the call. I nervously, anxiously answered. It was not a lady from the doctor's office, but a lady from the research office calling. She told me the results, my levels did qualify for the study, but unfortunately, the study was now full. My eyes filled with tears & my heart just dropped as I tried to say something. I asked if we could be put on a waiting list in case someone dropped out, but was told that wasn't possible because everyone needed to start the study at the same time. I tried to say goodbye as I hung up the phone & began to sob. Even as I write this now, my eyes fill with tears.

I know that I should have not gotten my hopes up. Every time through this process, I let myself get my hopes up a little & then things never work out as we are told they should. First, I had hope I could get pregnant naturally, then I was told Clomid & Metformin would be an easy fix. Then I was told IUI would work, then I was told my fallopian tubes were both blocked but it was possible I would qualify for this IVF study.

Each time, Nate & I have prayed and hoped & had faith, but each time, we have gotten disappointing news. Though there have been so many sad & emotional days, I know that our Heavenly Father is there & knows our sorrows & hears our prayers & is right there with me when I am crying. I know that this is part of His plan for Nate & I. I even know in my heart that we weren't meant to do the study. I don't know why, but I know that the people that qualified needed it more than us at this time & that it will be our time when the timing is right. The most sad part to me is just the amount of time we will need to wait to try IVF, but maybe that is the amount of time that we are meant to wait, & maybe if we had done the study, it wouldn't have worked because the timing was wrong. For now, we will save & do everything we can & will not lose hope.

Even though I felt so overwhelmingly sad hearing the news & knowing that we had met the qualifications, but just not soon enough, I felt the Savior's love as I was able to not be alone when I heard the news. I was with Brittany, who is so sweet. I was able to talk to Nate & have his support. I was able to talk to my sister, Melissa, who has gone through many years of infertility, I had sweet texts from my family, & then I was able to go to lunch with my sisters & not be alone. I know that those were all tender mercies from Heavenly Father.

Then the next 2 days, Nate & I were able to spend a lot of time together & watch General Conference. There were so many amazing messages shared that gave me so much hope & reassured me over & over again that Heavenly Father loves me & is there for me & hears my prayers. I know that there are so many others with struggles so much harder than my own. I have so many things to be thankful for & am surrounded by such loving family & friends. After listening to conference this weekend, I feel happiness, love, & hope. I know that we will have our miracle when the time is right.






Favorite Quotes from Conference:

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf:

-We cannot force God to comply with our desires—no matter how right we think we are or how sincerely we pray. Consider the experience of Paul, who pleaded with the Lord multiple times for relief from a personal trial—what he called “a thorn in the flesh.” But that was not God’s will. Eventually, Paul realized that his trial was a blessing, and he thanked God for not answering his prayers the way he had hoped.

-Faith is trust—trust that God sees what we cannot and that He knows what we do not.

-Faith means that we trust not only in God’s wisdom but that we trust also in His love. It means trusting that God loves us perfectly, that everything He does—every blessing He gives and every blessing He, for a time, withholds—is for our eternal happiness. With this kind of faith, though we may not understand why certain things happen or why certain prayers go unanswered, we can know that in the end everything will make sense. “All things [will] work together for good to them that love God.” All will be made right. All will be well. We can be certain that answers will come, and we may be confident that we will not only be content with the answers but we will also be overwhelmed by the grace, mercy, generosity, and love of our Heavenly Father for us, His children.

-My beloved sisters in Christ, God is real. He lives. He loves you. He knows you. He understands you. He knows the silent pleadings of your heart. He has not abandoned you. He will not forsake you. Live in faith, dear friends, dear sisters, and “the Lord [our] God [will] increase you a thousand times and bless you as he has promised!"