Sadly, 2 weeks ago I went in for my 9 week appointment to have a regular ultrasound to see our baby. Nate couldn't come with me because of the whole Covid-19 quarantine. I was so excited to see our baby again after hearing their heartbeat at my last ultrasound. I had had a little bit of a nervous feeling in me earlier in the day, but pushed it aside.

I had gone in for an ultrasound 3 weeks before & had been able to see & hear our baby's heartbeat & took a video for Nate to be able to see. When I laid down for the ultrasound, I got my phone ready & told the ultrasound tech, Rachel, I was going to take a video to show Nate. She is so nice & had done all of my ultrasounds with Lily. I started the video & after about 3 seconds, she motioned me to put it down & said, "I don't think you will want that on." As soon as she was motioning me to put it down, I just had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. She told me that the baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore. It was the worst thing to hear & something I wish no one ever had to hear. It was so hard to be all alone without Nate too. He had been at all of my ultrasounds for Lily, but now hearing that our baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore, I had to be all alone. I had a mask on my face & tears just started rolling down my face. She gave me a tissue & I thought it was to wipe off my stomach so I started to do that but then she told me it was for my eyes. She had to do the ultrasound for about 15 more minutes, just to be sure that I was really having a miscarriage.

It was so sad, being so excited for this appointment & now hearing the worst news & knowing this baby we were so excited for was gone. Then I went to a room to wait for the doctor & talk to him. They brought me apple juice & water & I took off my mask because I couldn't breathe with it on. Then the doctor was ready so they led me to a different room to talk with him. He was very kind explaining everything & explaining that nothing was our fault. After the appointment I called Nate right when I got to the car. We talked & I just couldn't stop crying. It was so hard for him to hear & to not be there with me.

Two days later I had the actual miscarriage & it was also such a hard experience. Those two days were the hardest of my life. It was so hard going through infertility for so many years & all of the disappointment of not being able to get pregnant so many years but this was a different kind of pain. We had already made so many plans & were so excited for this baby to be in our family & then to have all of that gone in a moment, just makes the days so hard.

Through this all, I have felt Heavenly Father's love for me though. It has been so so hard but I know that He has a plan for us. I am so thankful for that knowledge & the comfort He has given us through this incredibly hard time. We had also seen so much love from family & close friends that have called, dropped of meals, gifts, or flowers, sent sweet texts & really helped us feel loved at this hard time. My mom came & stayed with me most of the day a few days & I spent time with Brooke & Brittany to & that has really helped so much to be able to talk with them & also to not be home alone. Lily has also been so sweet & has been so extra cuddly & attached to me lately. She will not let me out of her sight! It has really helped so much having her to keep busy taking care of & to make us laugh. She is such a sweet little girl & at such a fun age right now.

Today I have an ultrasound to make sure everything looks ok & it feels so sad to be going to an ultrasound but not to see a baby & knowing I will be alone again. But I know that Heavenly Father is always there with me, especially in the hardest of times. I also have faith that we will have our baby in Heaven & they were just to precious to be on this earth.