A few weeks ago I had an appointment with Dr. Amols to make sure that everything looked good to start up IVF at the end of July. He wanted to do a specific kind of ultrasound to make sure that my uterus was shaped normally. I was pretty nervous for this test because it sounded like it could be pretty uncomfortable & involved something with a balloon type thing & shooting water, I always think who comes up with these tests? Are they just trying to come up with the weirdest, most uncomfortable tests.. haha!

My mom ended up coming with me, which was nice & we got lunch beforehand & went shopping. When they started the test everything seemed fine & the doctor was talking to me & asking me questions. Then he got silent & started asking the nurse for different tools & I could just tell that something was wrong. I was so scared & also the test was uncomfortable & took a long time & then finally the doctor told me that something wasn't quite right & to get dressed & meet him in the consult room. I got dressed quickly & went in the room & he told me that he thought I might have a septum that was blocking my uterus. He told me to set up an appointment that week to do another test with a camera (a hysteroscopy) to make sure that was what I had.

I came back a few days later, had another very uncomfortable & long test & they were able to take pictures & videos to determine that I did indeed have what is called a vaginal septum. So then, instead of starting IVF, we had to cancel everything.

I am thankful for what I have though. Nate & I have such a strong marriage & he has always been there for me. I am thankful for my belief in God & that has gotten me through this! This surgery could be a good thing in the long run, it's possible that they could remove the septum & then I could get pregnant naturally now & from then on, which would be the most amazing thing every. I'm thankful that they were able to discover this issue before we started IVF & at this time rather than years later.

I was just thinking about how over a year ago I was hoping to get chosen for an IVF study where it would cost $1,600 instead of $16,000 to do IVF. You had to have certain levels to qualify & I met all of them except my AMH level was a little too high. Dr. Craig (my doctor at the time) had me take the test a 2nd time when I was dehydrated to see if it would lower a little. We were hoping & praying so badly that I would qualify. We fasted & prayed & put all our hopes into the chance that I would qualify. I got a call that the results showed I qualified for the study but it had just barely filled up so I would not be able to do it. I remember just crying so hard & not being able to stop & wondering why I was having to deal with this & why I was so close to have this chance of being able to get pregnant but having that taken away. I didn't understand why that would happen to me. Now, almost exactly a year later, I can see that had we done IVF I would have had no chance of getting pregnant & I would have had to go through all of the shots & medication & the stress of IVF without even having a chance that it would work. My miracle was that Dr. Amols was able to discover I needed surgery. I am still not pregnant & never have been but I am hoping for another miracle. I can see now why I wasn't chosen for that study & why even though it was incredibly sad, it was better for me in the longrun. I know that when I am able to get pregnant & have children, I will be able to see the larger picture & be able to see reasons why I needed to wait.

Brittany & I went to Snowflake for a 3 day weekend to visit our Grandma & Grandpa Flake. On the way up we stopped & had dinner at a really good little pizza place. Then we tried to get back on the road & ended up driving this crazy back way for like 10 minutes!

Once we got to Snowflake we had a great time with Grandma & Grandpa. It was so nice to be able to spend time with them, help my Grandma with some things around the house, & just being able to visit & have a relaxing weekend! It was the best to be able to wake up to have hot chocolate by the fire with warm homemade bread & crab apple jelly. When we drove home it was snowing & Britt did great driving through the snowstorm!

We found out the sad news that our 3rd IUI was not successful on February 17th. It was such an incredibly sad, painful, disappointing moment knowing our last chance at IUI had failed. We had both felt really optimistic about what the result would be & even though we had tried not to get our hopes up it was impossible not to.

We both had to go in to work that day. I had a busy day of testing at one of my schools & the other specialists were coming in to help me. They all knew that I would have either good news or bad news & were so nice to come help me so that I would have an easier day. I was really thankful for that. It was hard to tell them all the sad news. Then they tested the large groups & I just tested a few Kindergartners. As I was reading the testing directions to them, I was trying hard not to cry & couldn't help some tears coming. I just told them I had allergies so they wouldn't know I was crying!

After a long, hard day, Nate & I headed to San Diego for the weekend. It was nice being in San Diego & being busy to take our minds of the sadness. It was also really nice to have a long drive to be able to talk to each other. I am so thankful to have Nate for a husband, he is always so sweet, always there for me, & I know that he would do do anything to make me happy. On Saturday we were together all day too. I helped Nate record backflow tests & then he took me on a late Valentine's date. It was really sweet, he took me to a really good restaurant, Lazy Dog, & then to a place he had researched & found that had ice cream sandwiches made with macarons, soooo good! On Monday, Nicole & I got to go to the beach & it was so nice! It had been cold & rainy the other days but that day the sun came out & it felt so nice. I also got to go wedding dress shopping with Christina & Nicole!

One hard thing that weekend was that on Sunday we had a big family dinner & Nate's cousins came over & announced to everyone that they were pregnant. That was really hard for us because we were wishing so badly that we had been announcing to everyone that we were pregnant that exact weekend.

Right now we are in the stage of waiting & saving up money for IVF. It has been a little nice to not have to worry about shots & getting work off for doctor's appointments, & planning everything around appointments, but it also feels sad knowing each month we have such a small chance of getting pregnant. I believe in miracles though & I know that one day we will have children. The hard thing is waiting & not knowing exactly how or when our children will come to us. We are planning on being able to do IVF either this summer or the beginning of the school year, depending on the timing & costs of everything. I get really stressed out thinking about all of the shots & blood draws (many, many, many more than IUI). I was so scared to do IUI though & somehow I got through it with the help of my Heavenly Father, Nate, & my sweet sisters who helped give me some of the shots & even gave me numbing cream so I couldn't feel the shots as much. I have also been stressed about missing tons of work during the IVF process but I had an end of the year meeting with my boss & she was so nice & let me know that things can be worked out with work to accommodate my schedule if needed. That relieved a lot of stress from me. I'm thankful that Nate & I have been blessed to be able to save up a lot of money for IVF & know that Heavenly Father is watching out for us. It has been a little over 2 1/2 years since we have been struggling with infertility & even though it has been a very long few years, I know that we have learned a lot, grown closer to our Heavenly Father, & grown closer as a couple. I know that we will be better parents from this experience.

We had so much fun celebrating Ryan & Christina getting married! They did a beach BBQ the day before & then had the wedding & reception the next day at a gorgeous venue. Everything was beautiful & they make such a cute couple!